|
| So its been quite sometime. I am not sure why I find myself coming here when things get rough but it seems natural. A journal of emotion-highs and lows- right here at my finger tips just waiting to be added to. I just feel so stuck. Stuck in my past. I want God to use my pains my scars my wounds my mistakes. I feel like he is giving me opportunity but am I getting through? Who knew mistakes from 7 years ago would stick with me this long? I feel healed totally and completely. Forgiven. Like it never happened. And then I realize how much of who I am and what I have done with my life was influenced by pain I endured. I keep telling myself you go through the hard stuff but God can use it and make it good, but are they hearing me? 9 lives in my grasp. I love them and want to influence them to be better than me. To do better than me. I know the one I love the most isnt hearing me. She doesnt get it. Playing the game. I know because I did the same. I had a great opportunity to listen and learn, but I chose to lose and learn. I just want more for her. I want to know that even though I am a walking open wound that I can be whole and good can come because I know the power of forgiveness. I know the triumph of getting through it all. I just wonder am I through it all? Why do I feel like Im not? How could I not know this wouldnt ever completely go away? | | |
| I am searching and yearning for what we need to do with our lives. I feel so unprepared, lost, and even hopeless at times. I want to have it all together... I know, who doesn't. But I would like to at least have something together. Andy's job is unstable at best. He works more than 40 hours/ week but gets paid minimal. I thought this interview would produce a job offer but no such thing. Are we searching in the wrong direction. Last time I thought we were doing just what God had called us to do and I was so sure we were on the right path we ended up at a church where we were burned, unappreciated, accused of not caring, and having our character questioned at every turn. We are so discouraged. I know going back to school is the right and best thing for me to do. Not just for me but for Andy and Rylie too. Now we have Luis to look after and I know Ken talked about contribution. We are contributing but I feel like we are in over our heads. I want to trust God to provide, but I find myself really struggling. I want to look for a job and go back to work just so I know we are being provided for, but the last time I found myself being a bread winner Rylie was the one suffering. I just don't know how to figure this out. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look. It is just hard. I can't handle the financial struggle and stress anymore. | | |
| Well, just a quick update. Rylie was born on Feb 14th at 11:23 a.m. She weighed 7 lbs 13.6 oz and is 20.25" long. Thats all I have time for... thanks for reading | | |
| Well, I figure a huge chunk of time has passed since I had an update. Here we go... I am offically 31.5 weeks pregnant and I feel as though I might as well be 2 years along. We are so excited about this baby and can't wait to see her perfect little face. I had an appointment in Lexington this past Friday where the Dr. confirmed what we already believed.. the little booger is still not head down.. in fact she is laying completely sideways and loves me right rib cage. She still has another 5 weeks to decide to cooperate and rotate herself downward. However, if she does not they will have to try and externally turn her which poses a few risks and is only 58% effective. When they begin that procedure they actually must prep you for a c-section and the baby is heavily monitored during. We are just praying that Rylie will turn herself and everything can go smoothly and naturally. On the bright side she is growing right at the rate she should and everything else seems to be perfectly fine. Well, that's all I have to say now. | | |
| There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together
And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll Sit beneath the mango tree now
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.
| | |
|
